come on, I will show you I will change when you give me something to slaughter

Here are some things I've learnt through educating myself about football:

About Myself:

-I am more egalitarian and liberal than I previously thought (and I previously thought of myself as a liberal egalitarian). When I offered a fairly meek and well-formed opinion, only to be shot down with 'you're no expert', it occurs to me that should someone offer an amateur opinion on something I'm an expert on (though I really don't know what that would be) I would literally never respond like that.
-The experience of trying to teach myself about something I have the deeply limited knowledge of but the greatest enthusiasm for is something I really recommend, especially when it's something that virtually everyone knows more about than you. Perhaps the only comparable thing is moving to a country and learning the language, or that time Hannah tried to learn about politics from the bottom up in the midst of politically active and politically arrogant students. It's at once humbling and assuring. What force there is in the majority! And how difficult it is to transpose from the minority; small spaces are snug.
-I have a great reluctance to do anything until it can be done completely properly with minimal chance of backfiring, eg. holding back on revealing knowledge, not engaging in insignificant chat, not revealing team I support. Indicative of deeper problems (women n that).
-Wikipedia is invaluable for learning about lots of things quickly. Which leads me onto...

About Others:

-People don't half talk shit. 90% of football chat is either meaninglessly banal platitudes ('can't wait to watch united play chelsea') or stuff which is so obviously taken directly from the pages of some journal or blog ('he's right-footed of course but is being tested out on the left to see if he's ready for the champion's league game in ajfkga...'). I think I will always be unable to participate in footy banter as it's either dull, or a load of people aiming to show just how much they know, or both. I just never want to say anything when chat turns that way, which feeds back to people thinking I don't know much or don't really like it, and so on. Which brings to mind another resemblance....
-Football is identical to politics in that it's a huge, ever-changing thing that no one has absolute view of, but everyone has absolute views on. People decide on an ideology and stick to it with no time for pragmatism in a field where it's obviously appropriate.
-But, all communities are artificial, and what attracted me to football is irrationality of it, to a point. I'm not so much against the ridiculous conjectural facade of infallibity, more the agression with which it's held onto.
-Also! I do value dialogues for their own sake above and beyond what's actually being said, so maybe it's unfair for me to resent football banter for lacking substance or originality? Still, there is a pull against it just as instinctively powerful as the initial push I had towards the sport..


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Some football songs:



This is one of the best Fall songs in a lot of respects, such as the way you think it's bad at points but then it redeems itself. Like when Mark goes 'pat mcgatt, the very famous sports reporter, is talking' in a mock posh voice and you think Who are you trying to be? John Lennon in 1968? Why would anyone do that? but then a beat too late he adds '...there' at just the right moment and we're back into it. PLUS! the middle eight is the best since This Boy by lennon himself:

"FANS!
Remember: you are abroad!
Remember: the police are rough!
Remember: the unemployed!
Remember: my expense account!"

and then again we're back down to it.







ok, let's get the fat les on. i don't really give one about the rep this song has. it is a work of post-modern delight. lee scratch perry does stuff none too far removed from the verses in this, and people love it. and yet no one likes this. racists.

(obviously people hate it because it looks like it's made by football hooligans but a) the song itself contains no reference/incitement to hooliganism and b) as clough says, 'there's no such thing as football hooligans, only hooligans' [-take note, riot-bullshitters!])







(nod to the original, why are post-war recordings so centred around gentle weakness? is it something to do with limited recording facilities? i think it might be, you know)

Russell Brand reckons this is the greatest football song ever, as it is about the transience of both success and failure, and that's obviously just the kind of thing that tugs at all my strings, credit to him, but let's never forget:



Some more versions, starting with the original, which is the worst:







it seems silly not to link to this as much as possible, it samples YNWA so that can be my excuse this time:



-incidentally, that bill shankly quote at the start there- 'my idea was to turn Liverpool into a bastion of invincibility'- that's one of my favourite quotes ever. 'cos he's not saying anything, is he? it's basically the same as saying 'my idea was to be fantastically good and successful at my job.' and yet, he was, and he did, and i like it. liverpool historians argue that shankly's era continued in spirit well into the early 90s and, if this song has any artistic merit whatsoever, it's that it probably proves that. does man utd's song of a few years later sample Busby? would anyone have even thought of that? no.

(what you just witnessed there, my lad, is the closest cultural analysis novelty singles featuring ryan giggs and john aldridge will ever receive. and to think the gov't are cutting the humanities)

anyway,

john peel started his show with this one the day of hillsborough:



so close to being my favourite ('WHY DON'T YOU WALK ON???'):



cash fucked up on this one if you ask me. the man spent a career fusing vulnerability and fortitude into one glorious thread, and he gets a song which does this better than any other, and what does he do with it? plays it meek and weak. stir us up, lad.



the last word:





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'If I went to Anfield I really think I'd cry during YNWA.'

'Yeah but then people would just piss in your pockets.'

-Louise and Patrick.

Lyrics misheard by me which are better than the original number 7:

Actual lyric: 'Do you think I once saw heaven?'

Misheard by me: 'Do you think I saw a heron?'




Which is better, isn't it? Much more biscuity, cos herons are one of those birds that you always point out when you see.


When you're down by the lake you're bound to hear,
When you're down by the lake you're bound to hear,
When you're down by the lake you're bound to hear somebody say,
'Careful now, that swan can break your arm.'


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