the matches must not be stopped

i think i've copied this little bit of hilarity onto every blog i've had (i have had three blogs). it's from the wonderous, long-dormant blog the devil dances in an empty pocket. it's easily the most consistently great blog i've ever read. you can dip in anywhere at random and find something hilarious.

anyway:

"Changes I would make to the sort known as football:

A lion must be released onto the pitch for ten minutes in every match.

The pitch must be littered with dog turds. The first player to slip on a turd gets man of the match.

The matches must not be stopped.

Mike Tyson must play for one team.

Each and every player must wear a headset mic, and their collective voices broadcast to the venue.

Goalies must be forced to smoke.

One team must go skins.

Avril Lavigne must host all World Cup matches.

Linesmen must be dressed as WW2 pilots.

The captains must each carry a cane.

Sandals instead of boots for ten seconds out of every match.

Goldfinger by Ash must be broadcast at mind-warpingly high volume for the entire 90 minutes.

Managers must observe the match from an iced-cream van, whilst dishing out 99s to punters.

The fans must be terrorised by muggers."